|
Raison_dEtat
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Emperor
Location:
Gender: Male
Interests: The progression of time. The existence of a divine presence, and the faith that follows. Self improvement and self destruction. And the ascension - to become more than a man, less than a god... a saint-destroyer, the avatar of destruction.
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/4/2005
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| we live for ourselves
maybe right now, for nothing more... but certainly for nothing less
in the end I look at my failures and losses
and the wretchedness of my existence
but something redeems me - faith, yes
faith in the belief that I was made to do something, that I was put here for a reason, and that no matter what happens it will all be revealed as the story progresses
who we were... I wish that someday, we can make sense of who we were and who we are
and be able to say hello, and reconnect, and smile and cry and weep and apologize for the wrongs and remember what was right and love freely again
it's 11:11
make a wish
| | |
| So I'm back, for once. And I'm going to speak to myself... or something like that.
And it's quite fascinating, to see my reflections from my previous relationship and KNOW that things will be okay. For one thing... I'd like to find someone else, because it seems like it helps...
I never reflected upon the conversation that I had with Jordana afterward. I cried. I forgave her, because she really did end up hurting me... but it couldn't be helped... and I still do care about her.
Becky... you did hurt me. Terribly. You were justified, because quite frankly, I had failed to be the person I wanted to be. And now that you're gone, I'm trying to work on it by myself. It... always has to be by myself, because you can't hold my hand through it.
I did fail, though. Every day things become a bit more clearer; I realize that the choices I made were directly responsible for this. Do you know why you started to have that depressed feeling? Because I was sapping your energy by being emotionally needy. I'd bet it started, actually, after we said "I love you" to each other... well, perhaps a bit after that.
And then I couldn't hear NO from you anymore, nor could I say NO to you either. (It's okay to say NO. And when I did... I saw you were hurt, and I didn't want to hurt you.)
Sometimes I wish I *had* taken tango with you, because it would've reminded me that I needed to take the lead in the relationship.
Well, I need to take the lead in my own life... because if I don't know where I'm going then I'm never going to get anywhere in my life.
Dammit, I *had* the lead in the relationship, and as soon as you told me you loved me I turned into a little puppy dog.
I do, very much, miss you. I know it in my heart that it is for this reason that we should NOT get back together. I have to work on not missing you. I have to forget about you entirely.
Part of me is more whole than not. These things come in cycles. I know you lie to me when you say "you're over me" - I know it because I'm not. You are not a magical creature... but you're strong enough not to let it show, because you don't want me to get the wrong idea.
I don't have the wrong idea. I need to be a better person.
And perhaps... you're a good liar. Perhaps you're an excellent liar. Perhaps you just manage to lie to yourself rather well... but one day the lies will seep out.
I've lied to myself for the past three years of my life. I've just been running away from the harsh fact of reality. I can keep running, of course - I wish I could run to you, sometimes, because you were rather good at being comforting - but it just keeps getting worse every time.
The end of a relationship means an end to the dreams that you dreamed about being together. Did you ever have any expectations like that? No - perhaps you were too realistic. I fell head first in love. I gave you everything.
And now, I realize that was a mistake. You didn't deserve everything... I didn't deserve to give you those.
But I can depend on you. I wish I'd realized that earlier... I only wish that I can return the favor now.
I only wish for another chance someday in the future.
Infinity's a funny thing, you know.
You fell out of love. Or, rather... you lost the attraction.
I know what I must do to rekindle it. (Love is a silly thing, because you remember HOW to love... you just need a reason to love.)
Leadership, responsibility, protection... I made you feel safe with me, and you thought that I knew where I was going with my life.
It's time for me to make decisions.
The first decision is that I cannot be your friend right now... even though I would like to be friends. Because I won't be satisfied with not getting what I want... so I will have to keep working at getting what I want.
The second decision is that instead of looking for a sign for what to do, I will craft the vision within my own head and will it upon the world. I know what I want, and I will do anything and everything to get it. Be forewarned, because YOU'RE still on that list.
The third decision is that I cannot forget. Ever. I cannot let myself forget; I cannot EVER forget. I've carved scars into my flesh so that I won't forget. "Do your work, and don't break commitments" means that I just have to be responsible.
Everything comes in threes for me, perhaps. Three is an important number, even though two and five build the universe.
| | |
| and you did the right thing
| | |
| We live for ourselves.
Nothing more, nothing less.
In the end, we must return to the wretchedness of our existence [of our very being, and yet...]
| | |
| perhaps someday you'll find this?
I love you
and I mean it when I say I'm okay if the day never comes that we have sex
because now I know.
| | |
|